Let's go shopping! Notes I'd love to write

Dear Target,
You sold me dried out Clementines. Do you know how expensive those things are? If you have old produce and you choose to sell it, you should knock off more than a buck. In fact, there should be a little sticker warning the buyer that the produce needs to be consumed within an hour. You do it in the meat department. Dang, I go to your grocery section late in the evening and all sorts of meat has little stickers for $3 off and an expiration date. Come to think of it, I do not like shopping for groceries at your store. Your selection is lame. Maybe you should outsource that part of your operation.

Seething,
Me

Dear Fareway Grocery Stores,
I love you. I love the homemade mincemeat and meat selection. The best part is all the handsome men behind the butcher counter who act like every female who stands before them is the most sparkly, vibrant and attractive version of womanhood they've seen all day. Do you hire attentive men on purpose? Well played.

I like that you're Iowa-based and I like that even your big stores are sort of small. Reminds me of my childhood, but thanks for getting rid of those dumb freezers you have to lean over. Hated them. Remember shivering when you were a kid in shorts and a tank top in the freezer section?

Warmly,
Me

Dear DSW,
Seriously? You have 345345 million pairs of shoes on display and not one of them is what I'm looking for.

I hate you,
Me

Dear Trader Joe's,
I want you to give out samples of beer every time I walk through the door. I want your produce to sell faster so you have more turnover and so I don't bring home moldy things. I want your pretzel bread to have more coarse salt on top. Otherwise, I think you're just dreamy.

Fondly,
Me

Dear Sports Authority,
That was great. I take three boys into your store, we find what we want, we pay, we leave. I say, "That was a great shopping trip" and the oldest says, "That wasn't shopping! That was just in and out." What did you do with his man card while we were in the shoe department? Please return at your earliest convenience.

Frightened,
Me

Dear Sears,
I hear you are having some issues these days. Hang in there. I know some people say you're washed up, but I love you. It takes courage to age gracefully.

Thinking of you,
Me