On Monday, I parked my car in front of the military recruiting center. I rarely park it there when I stop here, but there was a man on a ladder in my customary spots. I'm flexible, so I slide the car into the new spot and look into the recruiting center.
I've always wanted to go in there and beg them all for military branch t-shirts. Army, Air Force, Coast Guard...
But I don't because I feel sure they will think I am too poor to buy my own t-shirts or ... something. I don't know, I just don't, OK? Why is it that I see millions of people with the grey t-shirt that says ARMY on it and I don't have one? Is it a conspiracy? Do they not love me? Am I the only person who actually covets that t-shirt? I don't even know where to find one.
I was at a Rembrance Run last month, you may recall. Many of the runners from the National Guard/Reserves were in the coveted t-shirt. At the end of the run, while I cooled my heels waiting to win three door prizes (!) I had a moment of plotting how I was going to get one of the men to take off his sweaty, disgusting t-shirt and give it to me. In the end, I decided no man in his 40s was going to take off his shirt for me (also in my 40s) and that was a little depressing along with the fact that ... gross.
Back to my story (but thanks for listening). I parked next to a dark blue Malibu. Do you see where this story is heading?
Oh sorry. You might not unless you know in real life the color and make of my car. Keep reading.
(shh it's a blue Toyota Camry)
I come back from my shopping business and I actually have these thoughts in real time - these are actual thoughts, not 'in retrospect' thoughts. Because obviously I talk to myself all the time.
As I approach the cars:
That is a very dark shade of blue.
As I put my hand on the door handle:
Hmmm, my door didn't unlock when I grabbed the handle.
When I opened the door to the car:
Where did my floor mat go? Did someone steal it?
As I SAT DOWN in the car:
What's that new car smell?
I looked at the passenger seat and there was stuff there that my brain couldn't identify. Then I said outloud, "Holy Hannah! This isn't my car!" and I jumped out of the car as fast as you've never seen me move in a vertical direction. I felt like I had broken the law!
The dead giveaway? Was it the wrong shade of blue? Was it the slightly different exterior shape of the car? Was it the new car smell? The well-known fact that the floor mat thieves are thick this time of year?
The dead giveaway was the floor mat. I don't go anywhere without my floor mats. That's crazy talk.
Have fun today!