Friday, July 2, 2010

You're so sweet!

There’s a cookout at our house tonight if you’re in the neighborhood. Yes, a cookout on a work night, which will make me feel like the holiday weekend is four days long rather than three days long.

I have no problem with that.

It’s just hamburgers, brats, potato salad from Fareway (who needs homemade? Fareway rocks!), chips and dip and if I am feeling generous, maybe I'll clean some carrots for that dip as well. Probably blueberries by the handful for anyone feeling fruity.

It’s a pretty simple menu, but this isn’t a dinner party with candles and a tablecloth. Someone is bringing dessert, so it will be a surprise. I only hope it isn’t sugar-free.

That doesn’t sound gracious, but I just don’t eat sugar-free food and I hate it when it is foisted upon me. Like Jell-o. Do you realize that one of the best places to buy already made Jell-o is when you’re down at the hospital? But did you also realize that some places like hospitals and cafeterias don’t specify sugar-free when they sell it to you? I think that’s a crime and something should be done.

There is a Wendy’s by my office and when you order a baked potato you get fake butter that isn’t even margarine. It’s the heart-healthy stuff. You also get fake sour cream – low-fat or something like that. Again…a crime because that’s ALL they serve. You do not have a choice. My body wants the real deal stuff so it knows what to do with it.

I’m all for a substitute if that’s your thing. I just don’t like it being forced on me because I don’t like that stuff. So it would be like feeding hamburger to a vegetarian and telling them it is meat substitute. Not funny. I get a tummy ache from that fake fat and sugar-free stuff.

And we’re talking about a tummy ache that makes me go home. So yea, if you want me to go home, feed me some sugar-free Jell-o.

You know what I hope dessert is? Unfrosted cake! I may be the only person who makes cake and then doesn’t frost it. I get along well with children at birthday parties because they lick the frosting off their cakes and I eat their naked cake. Then I scrape my frosting off and divide it among the children present.

Or if one kid is lucky enough to be sitting next to me, I will slide it onto her plate and she wins the frosting lottery. Their parents love me.

Unless it's buttercream. Then you're on your own and if you touch my plate, I will stab you in the head with my fork.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Last January or February, back when we were in winter’s death grip, I decided to forego 5k runs this year. I'm not sure why I decided that.

Fast forward to July and I registered a few days ago for a 5k right here in my own ‘hood. If I had a lock, I would ride my bike. I could walk to the starting line. Maybe I should. Or not. Probably not.

Anyway, here’s hoping I don’t kill myself. I have 40 minutes exactly to finish it before my niece’s 1-mile race begins. This means I have to run. My best 5k time is something like 30 minutes plus a few seconds. Last year I think every 5k got a better time than the previous, but I don’t remember finishing in less than 30.

I'll be sure to let you know so none of you burn with curiousity all weekend. I know how you are about curiousity.


Anonymous said...

I wish I lived near you so I could come to the feast...I too like cake w/o frosting and sugar-free stuff upsets my stomach...good luck with the run...hugs..Michelle

Ryan said...

With all that buttercream in your diet recently, a 30 minute 5k may not be in the cards for you this year :-)

A piece of news said...

Oh golly, the run went OK. Thanks for the good thoughts. I felt sort of alone at the finish line and about an hour afterward from disappointment.

Ryan! Hush! Speak no ill of buttercream!

Rose said...

I need to like the fake stuff...I just don't. And I honestly think in the long run, they will find it is worse than the real thing.

I hate toast if it doesn't have real is soggy and cold and gross....

Oh, OH! Do you ever bake a cake and while it is still warm, eat it with butter? If not, try it sometime. That is the only way to go! I wish I hadn't read this and started I am hungry!

Anonymous said...

I love frosting. I would arm wrestle you for the buttercream.